wrote this before I bought Russia...

Current mood:exanimate

who are doubting my decision making skills. I realize in my past, Ive been quick to jump the ship and do things that werent always the smartest and most practical choices. However, in the last two years not only have I grown up tremendously, but Ive come to realize that I can do anything with a little determination and drive. It also helps to have Tom by my side reminding me that anything is within reach if I want it to be.

I realize my choices are far from the norm. Most in my shoes would be praying for an engagement ring and hoping to begin house hunting. Many my age are starting to have kids and become true adults. I, however, am not ready just yet. Its been this internal struggle raging inside me since I started riding seriously again last year. I want my kids to be close with their grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles. I love having such a close family and I wouldnt change it for the world. But I also know that right now is the last chance Im going to have to be truly selfish (as selfish as I can possibly be without feeling incredibly guilty about it). Ive been dreaming about showing at this level since I was a child, about having the nice horse and actually having the possibility of winning blues and leading a division. Im not going to be able to do it with kids, or at least I dont think I will be. And I dont want to live life regretting that I didnt take the chance to at least try. Tom supports this decision and says if Im going to do this, I need to do it right. I agree. And no offense, but honestly his is the only opinion that truly matters to me at this point. I will listen to everyone and hear their concerns, but the bottom line is if I know I can do this and Tom agrees, then Im doing it.

Bottom line, trust me that Im making the best decision for myself. Its hard to understand when you dont have something in your life that drives your soul the way horses does mine. Its hard to accept sometimes when someone you love isnt following the same conventional path they are "supposed" to. I dont want to be 50 wishing Id tried when I was younger. So love me and accept my decisions as they are. Trust that Ive made every other difficult and trying decision in my life work out for the best and that this will be no different.