September 24, 2008

1

I just dont have it in me to believe that what we had was false & co-dependent. That it was me being used & taken advantage of by an insecure, lazy, unmotivated man who wants nothing but someone to take care of him when all he does is profess how badly he wants to take care of another. I want to believe you loved me & at least tried to be my partner. That you werent using me intentionally. But when my rational mind gets passed the emotions, I have to see face value. You have a problem & look to others to fix that part of you that you refuse to fix yourself. I at least can identify where my problems lie and while Im far from secure with myself and do look to others for reassurance at times, I never breached your trust or for a second looked to others to make me feel gratified in a way that I looked to you for. And really, the cheating wasn't a new thing. It started year one and I should have turned away then. But I chose love and took a leap of faith that you would stop when you told me you would. You were the first person to show me I was worth loving even if it was as dysfunctional as every other close relationship Ive ever had in my life. You helped me find a big portion of who I am today and have helped me onto the path of figuring the rest out. I warned you from the start that trust was my biggest issue and you smashed it flat as soon as you could, knowing I wouldnt leave. Knowing I loved you too much to be the one to leave.

I have this knot in my stomach and I think its because the truth was laid down in front of me today. Im afraid of admitting it to myself and its eating me from the inside out. Im feeling so betrayed and used right now. I cant remember the last time I felt this way. And the worst part, Im not ready to let go of you yet. I need to let go in order to let the truth in. I have to find a way to believe it all even though my broken heart wont allow it to fully settle in. Anything would be better than this feeling. Anything that would make this go away. Well, anything but denial. I refuse to be a victim or dwell on the abuse. You no longer get to determine how I feel or what I say and share. You've share more than your part with others and Im done protecting you. This is my first of many attempts to let go. They tell you in hosptial orientation when the review the abuse policies that it takes a battered woman 8 times on average before she will leave her abuser. This is 1...