September 5, 2008

emotions

Current mood:distraught

So many times you lied to me and got caught. But I forgave and trusted it wouldnt happen again. So many times you betrayed me with your actions or lack there of. But I forgave and trusted it wouldnt happen again. I wanted to leave, but my heart told me to stay. I wanted to leave, but your sad eyes and pleading words convinced me otherwise. I finally stopped pushing, and you let me drop.

I tried so many times to help you voice your opinion, to learn how to say no. I stood by your side in the darkest of days, hoping and thinking it was only a matter of time till it got better. Now you turn your back and run without so much as a chance to work through it. Not so much as a hint to know that you no longer love me. I dont think I could have asked you more than I did. And you lied straight to my face over and over again. You had your chance to get out, and you chose to stay. I tried so hard to find that trust again, and when it was finally starting to come back, you walked away.

I am far from perfect, I know this. Im positive Im at fault somewhere in this too. But unlike you, I tried to fix it. I tried to talk about it. I am not a coward.

I will be ok without you. I was ok before I met you. I never needed you to take care of me or to hold my hand. I need no one but myself. I miss you, your hugs, your body in bed next to me. I miss talking to you about the kids. I miss knowing I can call you when Im having a bad day at work and need a pep talk. But that ache will disappear in time.

Never in my life have I felt more loved than I do right now. Never have I known such compassion and support from so many people. Thank you to all those who love me and care so much about my well being. Im so lucky.

This blog was written in heartache, but I do not hate you. I miss you and you are and were my best friend. I know you hurt too, and you only thought you were doing the best thing. I wish it could've been different, but it wasnt. I wish I could make you realize that you didnt have to hide who you are from me. I never asked you to do that, I never asked you to stop going out with your friends, I always encouraged you to go.

I will always love you, you will always be my first love and hold the most special of places in my heart. You were the first to love me back and help me become the person I am today. You stood tall by my side and guided me when I needed you to. You held my hand when I wasnt strong and told me I was loved when I didnt think I could be. Most of all, you told me I was beautiful and showed me Im fine just the way I am as long as I am happy. I miss you.