december 20, 2008

where did my inner strength go?

Current mood:ashamed

I've really got no where else to go. I've hit rock bottom and honestly, I dont care. I know Im there, its just that now my family knows it too. I feel dead inside, like nothing really matters all that much. And when I dont feel dead, I feel broken and sad. Its as if Im just going through the motions right now. What else am I supposed to do? I let him drag me down this far, I could have stopped it. Instead I chose to trust him and hope that he could lead me right and then fought him along the way. Its easy to blame him, but its not all his fault. I just wanted someone to take care of me so I didnt have to be responsible myself. I continue to have dreams about him and they make me hurt even worse. Ive got to find a way to change this, find a way out of this hole. But I continue to turn inward and allow it to fester. I think Im doing ok and then it hits me like a brick wall. The things I thought were going right all seem to fall apart at the seams just when I stop expecting them to. And I feel like Im just whining, like I should be over it by now. That others think Im enjoying this self pity and Im choosing to stay in the sad. It took me almost 24 yrs to find someone to really love and to give my soul to only to have him rip right out of my life without any warning. I dont love easily and I love hard when I do. So isnt it expected that it might take me this long to heal, to let go? I turned my self abuse from food to spending money and not paying bills. Im about to lose my car in a month with really nothing to fall back on. Russia is the only thing I own and he drains me dry. But selling him isnt any kind of answer, it could take just as long to sell him as it would to find another solution. And frankly, other than my cats, hes the only thing I have to to look forward to in the day. I've fallen apart completely and I have no idea how to pick up my pieces anymore.