Perhaps you could tell him that I said goodbye.

I think we fail to realize how vulnerable we let ourselves become when we grow close with friends. We forget what we should and shouldnt say, and we let the comfort that comes melt away our fears. We allow the other person to see who we really are, learn our weaknesses and our doubts,and to see us at our worst. Because if they see us at our worst, and they are capable of holding our hands through those moments, then it is impossible for them not to love us. At least that's what our hearts tell us and we let ourselves believe. Until that day comes when one person suddenly picks someone they just met over you. Someone who doesn't know their darkness or their vulnerabilities. Someone who doesn't see the insecurities they try so desperately to hide from the rest of the world. Someone who doesn't know the demons that haunt them. It's easier to let the new person love them, because they dont have to disclose the dark parts. They can keep them hidden without doubt or fear they will bear their ugly heads at a later time. So they say they wont brush your friendship under the rug, and things will stay the same. But you know that's impossible. Because your friendship isnt the kind that welcomes new people with open arms. It's built on deep rooted trust, and being able to share the secrets you dont want anyone else to know. And no new person who's being brought in as a potential significant other would stand for their person to have that relationship with someone else but not with them. So they are forced inevitably to decide between the two, no matter how much they tell themselves they wont let that happen. Very few people can put their foot down and make the new person feel comfortable enough to allow the old friend to keep their relationship. Being of different gender makes it harder than any words could possibly describe. So the friendship ends. I've had ones that just slowly dissolved, Ive had ones that ended like someone chopped the head off a chicken. But even that can't compare to the blow up of this last friendship I had to say goodbye to. The one where we were obviously more than friends. The one where he knew things about me that I didnt even know about myself. The one I could turn to at any point and say I need you, and he would be there. But in his fear to "potentially" ruin our friendship by making it more than such, he ruined every piece of it by picking the new shiny penny over the dull, damaged dollar bill. To which he said he couldn't comprehend Things didnt have to change, this was a new girl who didnt know me. But he refused to acknowledge a female intuition, and what she would see between us would make the hair stand up on her back and her lip to curl back over her teeth. His refusal to acknowledge this final bomb to explode only led me to make the decision to protect myself. End it now, call it quits. Even in my attempts to explain this all to him, he still chose the shiny penny. Even trying to explain that our friendship would change and inevitably end one way or another, he still refused to see what I was saying. There arent enough "sorrys" or "I didnt mean to hurt you" in the world to make up for chosing her over me. It's been almost 3 days since we said a word to one another, and a week since we had an actual conversation. I miss him, I miss my friend. So in the end, I think breaking up with a close friend is worse than with a significant other. That vulnerability you feel when the walls first come down returns and reminds you that you let that happen. You let them in, and now they no longer want to.

Nobody said it was easy...

This past few weeks have been raging with emotion, stress, confusion, and any other gripping emotion you could possibly associate with whirlwind living. Tom came back into my life like a bull in a china shop, only to deny intention, when all I want is to forget. But tearing through the china shop, he torn open the delicate scar tissue that blockades those memories...those agonizing, all consuming, heart shattering memories that only bring pain so unbearable there are no words to describe it. Pain that races through my body faster than I can blink, that makes me tingling numb and double over in pain all at the same time. A friend also ended a relationship this week, not by her choice, that hit so close to my heart. Then watching Glee, the flood gates reopened following my heart's pain creeping to the surface. no one ever said it would be so hard...four years later...

untitled

Solid, confident, concise.
The taller he stands, the smaller the world appears.
It's easy towering above the others,
to be so sure footed.
No doubt, no fear, no worry,
to haunt his clarified mind.
Regret is a distant whisper that lingers behind,
following his ever ready footprints whichever way they lead.

But it's there,
a presence stronger than his own.
One that bites till he bleeds,
when he least expects it.
Clean it up, wipe it off, cover with a bandage.
Easier to ignore that way.
The sting pokes slowly,
reminding him.

Better to acknowledge your old friend regret, don't you think?

awakenings

I spend a lot of time with my mom. She is, admittedly, my best friend. Despite flaws, our differences and arguments, she is the one person who understands my sensitive heart and doesn't hesitate to tell me I'm spending way too much time in my head.

So when she told me the other day that my approach to living my single life isn't what she thinks is "proactive", I was a little thrown off. She later recanted, stating she didn't mean it how it sounded, but the mark had been left. To fill you in, I told her that I am not spending my life hoping and wishing for someone to come along and sweep me off my feet. That I can't live life and make decisions based on a non-existent person that I think *might* enter my life one day. That I need to live my life for myself and if someone worthy enough, I will make changes as I need to. Apparently that's not the right approach. When I attempted to get some clarification on why it wasn't, I couldn't get a clear answer. Am I not dating enough (note, I don't always share when I go on dates b/c too many family members means too many explanations and if they arent worth more than 1 date, they arent worth mentioning)? What else is it I'm supposed to be doing? Despite pushing for an answer, I got none. Only an apology and that I'm living my life great (uh....).

So it makes my insecure, hopelessly lost brain question, am I living my life so that I will never meet anyone? If I am, what am I supposed to be doing differently? Will I ever meet anyone? The past weeks have been filled with friends getting engaged or finding new love or bragging about how wonderful the love they have is. It's a bit disheartening at times, but I try to keep my chin up and remind myself I did the same thing with my ex when things were great. And that I'm ok being single most of the time. Yes, I'd love to meet someone but should I live my life waiting for that moment??? Anticipating, over analyzing it all, looking at all men thinking are they it? NO!!

So where do I go from here? I need to get out of my head sometimes, and this is one of those times.

hiding our love

"Hiding Our Love"~ by Carolyn Kizer


"Never believe I leave you

From any desire to go.

Never believe I live so far away

Except from necessity.

After a whole day of separation

Still your dark fragrance clings to my skin.

I carry your letter everywhere.

The sash of your dress wraps twice around my waist.

I wish it bound the two of us together.


Do you know that we both conceal our love

Because of prior sorrow, superstitious fear?

We are two citizens of a savage era

Schooled in disguises and in self-command,

Hiding our aromatic, vulnerable love."

breathe

I heard the fragile crack 
the breath that stung so sweet 
it reminded me not to move 
moving makes the pain cling tighter
and the breath harder to take 

I opened my front door 
think I might be able to stand tall today 
a piece fell to the ground and shattered 
and reminded me to turn around 
we aren't ready yet 

Faking those smiles to those who pass 
they must see through this tenuous veil 
I was never good at it; 
pretending. 

I try to rest my head, 
try to forget this ache. 
But I moved too soon, 
and breath left too quick. 

Maybe tomorrow pain will loosen it's grip. 

Rage

Its burning deep and constant 
slowly creeping along my skin 
tingling inch by inch 
igniting tiny fires 
untill they shine brilliantly as one. 

Each breath gets easier 
I stand that much taller. 
Rage is my fuel 
& anger my comfort. 
Both reminders of your disparage 
& my impervious mind. 

Today was the most arduous 
Tomorrow will unveil an easier path. 
Soon it will be a glimpse in hindsight.