I can't sleep tonight. I have so many thoughts in my head right now, so much anticipation for everything that's about to happen. But also so much sadness for what I've decided to let go. I wish there was a way to bypass all of it. A way to forgo emotions and just be a robot about it all. Because really, it is in essence, a very pragmatic, logical decision. But it's not so simple, since it was the emotions that caused me to hold on so long. It's mimicking a break up, only this time it was my choice.
Getting rid of all the things that were here when Tom was is so cathartic. Don't miss understand, I am beyond over him. The only emotion that is left towards him is anger, and that is something I take a very long time to let go of. But the toxicity of what he left behind in the things that were here when he was is something I have felt deep in my soul but could never put a finger on it. So it's time to let go of it all and move forward.
And for the first time in a long time, I feel ready to be in love again. But, with that said, its not something I'm going near for quite some time. I don't need it right now to stop the forward momentum. I have grasped on to some pretty awful relationships in the past for forever, always just wanting them to be it (hello? 4 yrs with Tom?! And how long did I desperately try to hang on to Rob even when I knew all he wanted was sex?? Yeah...there's a pattern here). But none ever made me feel that way, the way people who have married their soul mate speak about. Thats almost impossible to believe until it happens to you? Save one. I try to move forward, I try to forget, I try to say he's an asshole. I tell myself if he really wanted me, he'd have gone for it. But there is a piece missing in the big picture, and I know it. And the more time I spend with him, the more I know I'm right about that. I am. I just wish there was an easier way to figure it out.
So I guess as I have with fate with all that has surfaced in the last week, I have to continue to trust it. Hope relies on the idea that it won't lead me wrong as long as my head remains out of my ass and I continue to make positive, healthy choices.
And bottom line--I am as impatient as the day is long. I can be implusive, careless, and react first then think later. Trust yourself and you will do great things...I just wish it didn't hurt so much to let go.
